Infiltrating Trendy Pants Part 1: A Guide To Picking Up Girls By Exploiting Their Subcultures.

Ah, the familiar feeling most men have experienced. You see a trendy girl who has obviously dedicated herself to being involved in a specific scene, and you don't know how to approach her. Awkwardly, you try to make conversation, but she writes you off instantly because you haven't namedropped quickly enough, or because your outfit doesn't fit the standards of her ideal mate. Oh the shame and degredation of not fitting well enough into a niche lifestyle to appeal to the young lady with the pretty smile and interesting apparel choices.


Well fear no more, my sons. For I bring you the definitive guide to hooking that scene chick you've been pining for since the first time you saw her looking disinterested and jaded at a local show. You must tread lightly, and follow each instruction as if it were written in stone.

At any rate, lets begin with the first subject:




The "Emo/Scene" Girl.

Omg, you like, play the guitar?

Ah, The Emo Girl. Once an elusive creature but when Taking Back Sunday and The Plain White Tee's skyrocketed in popularity so did the sideparts, the hot topic t-shirts, and the downward-angled myspace pictures. You can spot her at pop punk and emo shows, posting surveys on myspace, or taping pictures of bands to the inside of her locker. She enjoys doing her own make-up, styling and dying her hair, and taking pictures of herself until whatever arm is holding the camera high above her head grows weary. Her preference in guys includes: guys with tight jeans who play in bands, and..well that's about the sole requirement.

Now, if you look anything like me, you are going to have to put in quite a bit of work. First, discontinue the consumption of food until your frame has withered away to a a bony pile of stretched skin and sharp elbows. Now, make a trip to your local Hot Topic and write down a list of the band shirts hanging on the wall. Return only after you have done proper research to purchase the T-shirt of the band with the most Myspace friends. Grab yourself a pair of genital suffocating jeans, and comb your hair in some sort of ridiculous manner. If you don't know how to play the guitar, just give up and check out some of the other girls on this list. If you do, make sure you learn some cover songs about breaking up, and some hideously cute cover songs about falling in love and stars in the sky or beach blankets or some other bullshit like that. Another great ploy is to write sticky sweet poetry that makes her eyes light up, and everyone else's eyes roll. Be sure to include lots of references to holding hands, watching sunsets, lying beneath the stars, and road trips. Basically, if you have more sap than a full-grown redwood tree, you should be catching a glimpse of her boyshorts in a week or so.

THE APPROACH: The most likely encounter is going to start with her immediate frustration, because you're going to have to interrupt the ongoing conversation she is having on her Sidekick at the time. Disarm her by complimenting her hair, making sure to say that each of the 15 colors perfectly accent each other. Tell her you love the band on her shirt, and then spend 15-20 minutes listening to her rave about how cute the singers dimples are and how she falls asleep to their music and is so in love with them. She'll be glad you listened. While she is rambling, try to take note if she has any straight edge paraphanelia on. If not, she probably wants to get drunk with you. Invite her to a party and in the middle of it, make sure someone plays Framing Hanleys Cover of Lil Wayne's "Lollipop". She'll be all yours. Well, at least until she hooks up with the drummer of the newest local emo band.



WARNINGS: This subculture has for some reason infiltrated High Schools across the nation, so it's quite likely that the 99 year old "Mandy Murder" on your friends list is actually a high school freshman who can send your ass straight to an awkward encounter with Chris Hansen.

So, what exactly did you say to "xXMandyMurderHeartsXx"?

Another thing that should be noted is that a lot of these girls masquarade as fans of hardcore and metalcore music. You should not be fooled, there really isn't much reason to be into these bands, as these girls typically only attend these shows because the boys there still wear skinny jeans and have lawnmower haircuts. It probably gets you bonus points to namedrop a few of these bands, but make sure to stick to the bands that sing primarily about relationships.



The Indie Girl.

Uh, My College Professor is sooo clueless. Who needs shakespeare when you have Chuck Klosterman?

Frequently cute, and typically with her head in the clouds. You can find the indie girl at house shows, independent coffee shops, and at the local dive bar pretending to like Pabst Blue Ribbon. You'll likely find her on a macbook reading Post Secret with a hidden tab of celebrity gossip open. She typically wears scarves and drinks 6 dollar fair-trade organic specially forumulated with bullshit coffee drinks from the local hipster joint. One crucial thing is to remember that you have very little chance with this girl unless your own pretentious attitude surpasses hers. Some essential tools you'll need are as follows: 1 Macbook computer, several Apple stickers adorning your belongings, a scarf, and an ironic T-shirt that you paid far too much money for. It's also a good idea to have a hipster book tucked under your arm. It's not necessary to read it, just get some cliffnotes. Don't worry- she hasn't read it anyways. She flipped through a couple pages and then listed the author as inspiring on her facebook page. She's a fickle creature, as her musical tastes bounces from one obscure band to another, abandonding them when they gain some sembelance of popularity. You can catch her mumbling about the philosophical implications of Catcher In The Rye while pretending to enjoy the tofu and sprout vegan wrap that sits untouched on her plate.


APPROACH: A good opening line could be "Hey, nice scarf. Reminds me of the one the guitarist for M83 was wearing when I saw them at a house show. Can I buy you a soy latte? (Or a PBR)". Make sure to not seem very interested in much of anything, and the only thing you can really get excited about has to be done with pure sarcasm. For example, if you are watching a really horrible band, and acceptable phrase would be "Oh man, this band is greeaaaaaaat. Almost as good as..blink 182.". Then you can both smirk and nod your heads in agreement of the fact that your subculture is so much fucking better and more enlightened than the rest of the world. If anyone appreciates literature and art, but they don't conform to her subculture, they are still a fucking Philistine. Some conversation starters you can touch on to get her talking include: "Man, I just don't understand how people can live with themselves if they eat meat.", "Did you hear Urban Apparel is having a sale this week?", and whatever talking point the left-wing camp is focusing on lately. Oh, also ask to see her photography. Don't see a camera in her general vicinity? Doesn't matter, she's got some artsy photographs tucked away somewhere, you can be just about certain.

WARNING: These girls tend to hop trends like hobos hop trains, so it's likely that your current obsession was listening to kelly clarkson a year ago, watching foreign films 6 months ago, and was a political activist 3 months ago. So by the time you mold yourself in the image of her ideal man, she could be doing tabs of acid and listening to pink floyd in her new boyfriends van.





THE JUGGA JUGGALETTE

HACHET WARIORS RIDE ON 4 MUH FREEKS..... I'm lonely.

Ah, the Juggalette. If you are unaware, this is a girl who isn't stupid enough to devote herself to a genre of a music, no. She has instead decide to devote her clothing choices, philosophical outlook, and muscal preference all to a single musical group. A hip-hop duo of men who rap about hatchets, dark carnivals, and..dress like clowns.

No, I'm not joking. They dress like clowns. Now, pursuing a jugalette is much like a tribal hunter poised in the grass, waiting with spear in hand to pounce on the next warthog that passes by. Not because it requires patience, but because jugalettes tend to look like warthogs.

Hey, Fuck you bro. We don't look that bad. Also, we're smarter.

At any rate, I'm not going to judge your preference. Maybe in somewhere in your childhood development a piano fell on your head. Whatever, I just provide the tips. What you decide to do with them, you decide at your own risk. You can find the jugalette at your local supermarket, standing in the soda aisle debating on which flavor of Faygo she wants. She also frequents the mall, anywhere that sells hatchets, and beneath most bridges where she forces young billy goats to pay a toll to cross. Her interests include backyard wrestling, drinking faygo, talking about dark carnivals, and covering all of her belongings with the stupid hatchet man graphic that serves as a "A Moron Drives This Car" symbol to alert you of the conversational abilites of the driver. (I.E. - ya twiztid bro i lyke that album shaggy 2 dope is 2 dope lol pass the bong hatchet warriors 4 lyfe)

APPROACH: Well, if you can manage to make it past the barrier of stench surrounding this creature, you've gotten through the hardest part. First thing you should remember is to speaking in mostly monosyllabic phrases. If you mention anything about politics or literature you'll probably be greeted by a blank stare or a "FUCK YEAH BUSH SUCKS" before she downs a bud light in 0.5 seconds. Just talk about how much you love ICP, how much you hate everyone who doesn't love ICP, and how much you love Faygo. Don't confuse her with big words or musical references outside of pyschopathic records and you should be getting inside those size 80 Hatchet Girl panties by the end of the night, or hour.


WARNING: She loves ICP, typically has half of a brain, and usually weighs as much as the truck she drives. Do you seriously need any fucking warning after that?






Part Two coming next week. Including "The Goth Girl", "The Hippie Girl", and "The Otaku (a.k.a. That Creepy Girl Who Talks Funny And Wears Skirts and Reads Those God Damn Backward Books. a.k.a they like anime).