Chicken Wings Are For Cocksuckers.

America The Bountiful: A numeric list of no specific order that outlines how much of a pompous asshole you are when it comes to food.


Here in America, we have the privilege of treating food like a hobby or an activity as opposed to a means of survival and nourishment. We eat bulging bags of popcorn at the movie theater, go to restaurants out of sheer boredom, and gorge ourselves on snack foods just because we can. Here are ten reasons why you are an absolute dick when it comes to consumption of food:

8. We Use Garnish

"What is your beef with Garnish?"

"Well..that it isn't beef."

How could I have a problem with Garnish? I mean, it's a leafy green substance that adds a contrasting color to the red barbecue sauce that's been slathered over the slab of pork ribs resting on my plate. It is like the oversized hoop earrings of the culinary world, not really necessary, but I'll be damned if I'm getting rid of it. It gives the illusion of vegetable without the commitment of having something green resting in front of you that you feel obligated to eat. The problem lies in the attitude of garnish. It's a piece of food that is included with our meals, but we have no intention to eat. I imagine someone eating and being approached by a starving child...

"Excuse me sir, may I have that garnish?"

"Are you kidding, this is a picture frame for my food! If it weren't for this disposable piece of foliage, I wouldn't realize how fucking delicious the rest of this stuff on my plate is."

Please sir, just a bit of your decorations?

I actually like to play a game where I try to race to absorb all the saturated fats and pure gristle of my dinner before the filthy vegetable has a chance to tarnish my red meat intake with any of it's antioxidants or vitamins or any of that other shit that fat people like to talk about like they pay any attention.

7. We Talk About Food While Eating Food.

How pompous are we at this point, when we can spend half of a meal talking about other meals we've had the pleasure of indulging ourselves with? "Man, this ham is excellent..it reminds me a bit of SOME OTHER DELICOUS MEAL THAT OTHER PEOPLE CAN'T AFFORD." We spend our whole gorging process reminiscing about our Grandmother's lasagna or the old diner that had the greatest roast beef in the world until it was closed down by the health department. Food for the third world is survival, it's just a source of nostalgia for us. We're bitching about how much we miss homecooked meals while eating enough ramen noodles to feed an impoverished family of five.

"Oh man, this reminds me of Christmas, My aunt beth had a recipie for a potato and cheese casserole that was just amazing, like you wouldn't even believe how incredib-"

"Sir, could you spare some change, I'm very hungr-"

"Uh...can't you see I'm EATING here?"

"ey' uh heargh the turkeysh greaht too"

6. We Have Cooking Shows.

Hahahahahahaha, hey guess what third world countries? Not only do we have an overabundance of food in our bellies, we have an entire fucking television network devoted to the preparation of the food that you guys don't have. If you didn't think we were a bunch of pompous assholes before, this really should make you feel like Paris Fucking Hilton. We have a television network in America, that - if broadcasted in these countries (LOL LIKE THEY HAVE TELEVISIONS) would be the equivalent to showing pornography to a man who has been sexually frustrated for 5 years and recently went underwent a double amputation of both arms. It is esentially the human equivalent of waving a piece of beef in a dogs face, only to pop the morsel into your own mouth and giggling furiously as you pat the brand name clothing resting over your bloated stomach. It's like showing a special on smoking crack on the TV monitors in a rehab center.

Oh you're hungry? I don't give a--BAM!

"Hey Serj, did you catch that recipe on "Oh Lord How Will I Feed My Family: Cooking Sudan Style?"

"Oh yeah, it was pretty easy. Put as much white rice as you can gather into a pot and boil it until it is fairly edible."

5. We Have "Fast Food" Restaurants.

Now, lets not get to overzealous with our complaints towards Americans and our attitudes regarding food. It's not like we took the whole process of cooking and eating and enjoying food and completely bastardized it and commercialized it for our own convience, right?

Oh, Shit.

Not only are we completely complacent about the fact that people are starving, waiting days on end to scramble for scraps of food..we go so far as to expect a full meal prepared and in front of us in five minutes. I mean why the hell not, we are Americans, we shouldn't just eat, we should eat at fucking Star Trek speed. This is as close as we've gotten to those awesome transporter pod things, so we expect our poorly wrapped grease-ridden cheeseburgers to land on our plastic tray in a minute thirty flat, sir. Nevermind starvation, KFC has a fucking VALUE menu now.

Moments after the KFC Value Menu Was Announced

Not only are we assholes about it, but we've bastardized it all. You remember the roast beef your mom used to spend 8 hours cooking in a slow roaster? Fuck all that patience garbage, get that shit on a bun in the time it takes to complain about the number of sesame seeds on top of your toasted bun.

"Wait, you guys get to eat food like daily? You guys have regular meals?"

"Oh would you please just shut up already, I'm trying to order and if my food isn't in front of me in 95 seconds, I am going to rage."

4. We Are Fat.

In the eyes of the underprivelaged, we wear our spare tires like a rapper wears bling. It's a jiggling and unslightly expression of how much better we are than everyone else. The American stomach isn't just a pasty blob of fat and distorted bellybutton, it's a symbol of how much money we can spend on trans-fats, red meat, and little debbie's snack cakes. Every single waddling and strained step isn't something to be ashamed of, it's a source of pride. There is a reason to smile in every wheezing breath and devoured plate of bones and gravy. We are overprivelaged and we like it, all the way from the fat rolls on our necks down to our cankles. Dammit, we're American and we're- hold on, let me catch my breath. Whew, alright, what was I saying? Oh yeah, we have no reason to be upset about anything. After all, We are all much happier than the poor people in the world. We have cheesteaks and pizza and- why does my left arm feel so numb?

The highway of prosperity, happiness, and heart disease.

3. We Have "Wing Nights"

It's hard to fly when you're baked. Or fried. Or dead.

"Hey man, you want me to kill a chicken for dinner tonight?"

"Fuck that, kill a whole flock of them and feed me just thier wings. I want to mock their silly flightless lives by munching on the worthless wings that never granted them freedom."

Yes! Who the hell needs to those other ridiculous parts of the chicken? Breast, Thighs, Legs..we aren't Eskimos, we don't need to keep that useless shit around. Throw us the wings and we'll drop them in a vat of cooking oil and slather them in hot sauce.

Not only are we pompous, bloated, picky assholes, but we are even selective down to the point where we can request the smallest part of a certain animal to be delivered to us in mass quantities. "But, Sir..in order to fill your order, we would have to kill forty different chickens when you could get the same amount of meat from 2 of them."

"And, your point is?"

2. We Have Buffets

Alright. If you are not penning a letter to the kid you sponsored and forgot to pay the monthly contribution to apologizing for being a huge asshole, maybe now is the time to break out the stationary. Buffets are the perfect example of American Excess just for the fact that they are so common. It isn't a huge diamond necklace or something that is exclusive to only the wealthiest members of our society. Buffets are a meeting ground of pride and complacency that is even open to the trailer park denizens who only venture out of the house once a month for shrimp night.

We line up tables and tables of food, almost as a slap in the face of the third world. "Not only are we not hungry...but just look at how fucking much we have!" Our eating habits in this case are like a billionare going on television from his home and slinging millions of dollars around in his bedroom as he dances around naked and wipes his ass with hundred dollar bills. All the while reminding you that if it wasn't for your blatant exploitation, we wouldn't be able to mock you so openly.

Na-Na Na Na-Na

"Oh my lord, in my country we have nothing like this, this is wonderous, a feast worthy of a king, an amazing spread of-"

"Shut up and grab a plate, you're holding up the line."

1. We Have Competitive Eating Contests

We have so much fucking food that we make a game out of seeing how much of it we can possibly shove into our bodies. I seriously can't even say anything about this because if you don't already think it's completely fucking ridiculous, then I just have no idea what to say to you.

Kobayashi, what's your strategy for todays competition? "Uh..eat really fucking fast."

"Oh, if I could only get ahold of one of those hot dogs..I am so hungry.."


"Hot dog? That's a piece of athletic equipment there, you'd better back the fuck off."