You Were Othello, I Was The Telltale Heart, and My Uncle Said Ulysses Had to Meet Aslan (a.k.a I Give Taylor Swift a Lesson In English)

Taylor,

Don't worry. I'm not going for the obvious Kanye joke here; but I'm really concerned about you. I know the rigors of touring may be tough on such a young woman, but I fear that the stress has made you incapable of making any fucking sense whatsoever. You see I noticed you on MTV and I saw that you were an attractive young woman and you had a nice singing voice. That's really nice, Tay (since we're getting close here I'll abbreviate) but those things are less important if you write lyrics that sound like a chimpanzee just went apeshit (pun intended) in a library and started throwing words and books and grunts together.

Get enough of us, and we write Shakespeare, dick.

(I know you don't grunt, Tay, but it was for comedic effect.)

At any rate when I heard your song "Love Story", I felt compelled to write you with a brief lesson in making literary references:

Lets take a look at the lyrics to "Love Story":

"Cause you were Romeo, I was the scarlet letter"

Alright, I get it. You are alluding the classic tale of Romeo and Juliet through your song. Your comparing some pimple-faced quarterback boy to Romeo. I mean it's probably appropriate seeing as how your song was released post-mortem after you and your guy both committed suicide and-

Oh wait you're still alive and accepting awards and butchering classic plays? Oh...not cool, Tay, not cool. That's alright though, if you want to take a ridiculously trite and overplayed concept and use it in your lyrics that's fine. But what in the world is this crap about being the scarlet letter?

You do realize, Taylor, that the scarlet letter was not a person right? It was just what it sounds like: a letter. But that aside, I think I'm following you thus far. You are infatuated with a "Romeo" character who your parents dislike (probably because of his long history of date rape and drug abuse) and you have assumed your role as a member of the alphabet. Lets move on:

Come to think of it, she does look a bit like a lowercase "l"




"And daddy said to stay away from Juliet"

Wait a second here, Tayzo (new nickname, trying it out, we'll see how it works.) I'm not following. You may want to make it clear who your father is addressing here. Is he talking to you, or Romeo pimple face? The phrasing here makes it sound like your daddy is trying to keep you from a lesbian relationship with Juliet, who you are apparently trying to steal from Romeo but you want him too or. What the hell is going on Taylor? This is either kinky behavior that your dad disapproves of, or you are on PCP. Here's what I've got some far:


Romeo: Pimple faced quarterback your dad hates because Romeo is likely to be an alcoholic and an abusive husband.


Scarlet Letter: I guess this is you? And you run around attaching yourself to the chests of women who have problems with fidelity? Or the PCP thing of course.

Juliet A: You.

Juliet B: Potential Lesbian lover your dad warns you about.

Alright. I think I get what's going on here. What you meant to write was:


"You were Romeo and I have nothing to write here,
But daddy told you to stay away from Juliet."

So next time lets be clear and not just throw out book references because one of your smart friends back home told you that she read one.



I hope you take this advice, Taylor.


Sincerly,
Tim.

















P.S. - you got some shit in there about being a prince and a princess? If memory serves me correctly neither the Capulet and Montagues were royalty. And the closest thing to royalty was when that Paris dude who was related to a prince tried to snatch her up at 14 years old.